Here's my column as published in The Noise in September 2011. See below the column for my additional blog notes about this one.
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TEN DAYS OF HELL
Despite the fact that I had never meditated in my life, I went on a 10-day Vipassana Meditation Retreat. For 10 days, I accepted a vow of complete silence: No talking with others, nor any silent communication by gesture or eye contact. Further, no cell phones, computers, TV, radios, music, no alcohol, no reading or writing. NOTHING. No input, no output. Except 100 hours of meditation.
Here follows the story of my experience: Part 3. Previous entries are posted here.
After three and a half days of absolute silence, inward focus, and nothing but me, myself and I, I’m at the brink of madness. I have no confidence in myself to continue. I am miserable and I do not want to be here. I want the comfort of my home and the peace of domestic distractions. Nonetheless, I enter the meditation hall for the afternoon group session on Day Four. We are told, by way of a sign outside the meditation hall, that we’ll learn the Vipassana meditation technique in this session. Until now, all we have done for ten hours a day is Anapana meditation, paying attention to the sensation of breath on our nostrils. It’s very focused, very simple, and very boring. Most of all, it’s hard to do. So this new technique – it’s my last hope.
A sign outside the hall informs us that we’ll sit for two hours. It instructs us not to leave the meditation hall, and not to move during this two-hour session. That’s not happening. I’m overweight, uncomfortable in my body, and probably have undiagnosed ADHD. So, they can dream all they want, but I will move.
The teacher begins the session by instructing us to begin Anapana meditation. I focus my attention on the movement of breath at my nostrils, where oddly, it feels a little raw. Then, we are told to move our attention from our nostrils to a “quarter-sized circle” at the very top of our heads. At this point, something truly amazing happens. A small section – the size of a quarter – on the very top of my head “lights up” with a tingling sensation. It’s unbelievably vivid. It’s like I can feel the molecules of that particular patch of skin bouncing around wildly, so strong it even hurts a little. The teacher further instructs us to move that quarter-sized patch of awareness, slowly, over our entire bodies. I move the attention around my whole head, over my face by individual part: left ear, temple, cheek, nose, lips, etc. Everywhere I turn my attention, that area of my body “lights up” with high vibration and tingling sensation.
I am fascinated by this and continue with intense focus, moving over my entire body. At the end of the session, I’m shocked to realize that I did not move at all for the last 30 minutes.
The breakthroughs continue on Day Six. I begin morning meditation by moving my attention, part by part, over my body. But something really cool starts to happen. As I move my attention from my left shoulder down, suddenly, my entire arm lights up with energy and vibration in one fell swoop. I approach my upper leg and then the whole leg lights up in one smooth motion. Now I'm sweeping the vibration over larger parts of my body. By the final few minutes of the session, I don't need to move my attention; my entire body is simultaneously buzzing with delightful sensation (I’m told later this is called “dissolution”). I’m glowing with energy, and I’ve sat for the entire hour without moving an inch. Having spent a good part of my more youthful hippie years experimenting with various substances, I can say confidently that this natural meditation “high” is the way to go.
I’ve decided to stay. I’m finally feeling good here, and I’m eager for each session, craving the warm buzz feeling that will come. In a private interview, the teacher has told me that the dissolution I have experienced isn’t discussed in the course until Day Nine. So, I’m ahead of the class!
I didn’t know it at the time – I was so happy just to feel like I was getting something right in the midst of my own personal hell – but this combination of craving and pride was a perfect set up for further suffering.
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Follow up notes to this column:
1. The buzz was very real. As I'd move my attention, I'd be seriously perplexed at how powerful the vibration sensation would be on each new part of my body. So much so that I worked hard a couple of times to see if it was my mind "creating" the sensations rather than my attention sharpening to a level that could feel more than I do at any other time.
I did this by jumping my attention quickly. I'd "jump" from feeling my toes up to my elbows. If there was a significant lag, I convinced myself that that meant I couldn't be creating the vibration, just watching it. I'm not sure that works logically, but I was convinced at the time.
2. It's not been said yet (and I'm sure it will be in later versions of the column), but this stuff comes across as intellectual game-playing to some degree. I don't mean to demean my own writing, but Vipassana is an experience. What I went through may make for a good story, but the actual experience is at a whole other level. The teacher also kept stressing this: he would say that we are re-learning how to control our own minds experientially... if we were to only talk about it and understand it intellectually, it would lead us nowhere.
3. I've recently returned from a three day retreat. Three day retreats are only open to those who have completed a ten day course. The Vipassana folks are very strict about this... there's no 'beginner level' indoctrination. The ten day retreat IS the beginner level. And the intermediate level. Advanced level involves further exploration and longer retreats... 20 or 30 days. I shudder at the thought. But I'm also a little curious.
The three day was nice. Relaxing is the word I would use. It'll probably be the topic of a column later, so I won't spoil it all now. But I will say that without the specter of ten full days of absolute silence and isolation lingering over my head, it's easy to simply relax and get into the spirit of a calming retreat.
4. I also just signed up for a third ten day retreat this winter. Yes, I'm going yet again. I go in December 21 and come out January 1. This timeframe, and the thought of being 'off the grid' completely over the holidays, has completely lit me up. What a great time to disappear, eh?
5. There are some things you must promise in a ten day retreat at Vipassana. They are
- to abstain from killing any being;
- to abstain from stealing;
- to abstain from all sexual activity;
- to abstain from telling lies;
- to abstain from all intoxicants;
- to abstain from eating after midday; (although we are allowed fruit at 5pm)
- to abstain from sensual entertainment and bodily decorations
- to abstain from using high or luxurious beds.
6. Also, here's the daily schedule during the ten day retreat:
4:00 am Morning wake-up bell
4:30-6:30 am Meditate in the hall or in your room
6:30-8:00 am Breakfast break
8:00-9:00 am Group meditation in the hall
9:00-11:00 am Meditate in the hall or in your room according to the teacher's instructions
11:00-12:00 noon Lunch break
12noon-1:00 pm Rest and interviews with the teacher
1:00-2:30 pm Meditate in the hall or in your room
2:30-3:30 pm Group meditation in the hall
3:30-5:00 pm Meditate in the hall or in your own room according to the teacher's instructions
5:00-6:00 pm Tea break (and we could have fruit)
6:00-7:00 pm Group meditation in the hall
7:00-8:15 pm Teacher's Discourse in the hall
8:15-9:00 pm Group meditation in the hall
9:00-9:30 pm Question time in the hall
9:30 pm Retire to your own room--Lights out
